I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
