i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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