You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
