new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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