Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
