I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
