i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
