my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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