Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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