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Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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