to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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