I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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