Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
