I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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