two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Come see our sink grown plant.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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