my phone needs a breathalizer
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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