Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
