I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
