you guys were way drunker than both of me
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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