she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
