i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
