my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
