sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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