My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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