i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
