So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
