I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
