Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
