I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize