the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
