don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
