I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Randomize
