Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
