My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he was CRYING into my vagina
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
