i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
