do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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