When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
