Just fell off a train. Bad.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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