You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
