I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
