I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
