Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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