Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
