why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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