Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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