Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
