My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
