She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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