Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
