I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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