New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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