woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
