the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
