Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you had me at cake vodka
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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