It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
