there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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