I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize