Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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