you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
