Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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